Decide where your marriage is headed.
Discernment Counseling in Portland, Oregon
You or your spouse are considering divorce…
…but uncertainty, questions, and what-ifs are holding you back.
When you think back to your wedding day, you never once thought you’d eventually end up at this crossroads: deciding whether or not you’re going to stay married.
Whenever you think of divorce and all that comes with it: explaining it to your children, divvying up your belongings, selling your home, moving out, lawyers and mediators, co-parenting and custody agreements, taxiing your children back and forth to the other parent’s home…the weight of the emotion hits you like a ton of bricks.
But you also know, deep in your bones, that you’re at your wits end. And if you’re brutally honest, the thought of spending thousands of dollars, and months in couples therapy … just to have nothing change … keeps you awake at night.
you know you can’t continue to stay married this way.
You’ve talked to your best friend, your mom, your sister, and your individual therapist. They are all supportive in their own ways, but they’re also (naturally) biased and defensive of either you or your spouse.
You need help from a trained professional who isn't on anyone's side: someone who listens to both of you and understands both views, and who guides you to make the best choice for you and your family.
You’re in the right place.
Discernment counseling is specifically tailored to you and your situation.
Discernment counseling provides an opportunity to pause, reflect, and carefully evaluate the options for your marriage before making a decision.
More information about discernment counseling…
You two have a mixed agenda…
Only one of you wants to commit to therapy, roll up your sleeves, and work on the marriage until it works.
The other isn’t sure if they want to try therapy, or if they are better off moving out, filing for divorce, and moving on.
You don’t want to drag things on for months in couples therapy if, ultimately, the relationship can’t be repaired and saved.
You want a professional’s help and guidance with deciding what to do with the future of your marriage.
make a thoughtful and informed choice.
Discernment Counseling Meets You Where You Are and Helps You Decide
The bottom line is this: successful couples counseling requires an investment of time, emotion, and effort. If one partner is unsure if they want to stay married in the first place, they aren’t in the mindset to carry out that investment to completion.
If this couple goes straight to marriage counseling (also referred to as couples therapy), it tends to be half-hearted because it is not the right mental and emotional process for where the “leaning-out” partner is. The result is usually little progress in therapy, as well as frustration and confusion for all involved.
This protocol helps both partners pause before making a final decision, develop a deeper understanding of how the problems in the marriage evolved, and understand what each person’s contribution to these problems has been.
This helps set up any future couples counseling to be a much more productive and helpful experience.
On the other hand, if divorce is pursued, the divorce and coparenting processes tend to be less hostile and more collaborative.
The goal is To:
Develop more clarity and confidence about the future direction of your marriage.
How Does Discernment Counseling Work?
Discernment counseling is a brief process: a maximum of 10 hours in total. There are between one and five sessions and the sessions are each two hours long.
The process ends once a decision about the future of your marriage has been made. The decision is one of the following:
Keep the status quo and make no decisions for now.
Separate if you haven’t already and ultimately divorce.
Commit to six months of all-out effort in couples counseling. Divorce goes off the table for that time. Re-evaluate after six months.
I will spend most of our time meeting with each partner individually. This allows each of you to speak freely about your marriage and reflect on your own role in the relationship dynamics.
We won’t be trying to solve the problems in your marriage during this process; therefore, there are no interventions for the problems. You are only trying to determine if the problems are solvable. Don’t expect your marriage to change during this time. We aren’t sure yet if it can be changed!
You’ll each spend about five minutes after your individual session sharing your “takeaways” with your partner. The reason for this is so that each person can explicitly take accountability. Knowing the details of what will be addressed in future couples counseling can help the uncertain partner feel more confident.
Meeting with a discernment therapist instead of separate individual therapists has a big advantage. This is because I get perspectives from both of you, while individual therapists only see one partner's side. With input from just one person, individual therapists are very limited in how helpful their feedback can be.
A discernment counselor is equipped to hear both your and your spouse’s points of view and to give feedback accordingly. You both want to be as informed as possible before deciding on how to move forward in one of the biggest decisions of your life.
I can help you get there.
Discernment Counseling Is a Good Fit If…
There is still a chance — even a small one — of saving this marriage.
You’ve gone to couples counseling in the past and you’re unconvinced more couples counseling would help.
You are willing to reflect on your behavior and take accountability for your part of the dynamic.
You want to work with a trained therapist who has both your perspective and your spouse’s perspective so that you’re more able to develop insight.
You are legally married, OR you and your partner would both agree you’ve made a lifetime commitment to one another.
Discernment Counseling Is Not a Good Fit If…
Deep down, you have already made up your mind to divorce and you are looking for help in expressing that decision.
You aren’t willing to reflect on your own behavior.
One of you is coercing the other to participate.
There is ongoing domestic violence.
You are not legally married, OR you have not made a lifetime commitment to each other.
What to expect from discernment therapy
Imagine If…
You and your spouse could experience more understanding towards each other, regardless of the ultimate decision you make.
You could develop more insight into the relationship’s dynamic and, therefore, less blame for your partner.
You got professional feedback about what behaviors are in your best interest to change — either for this relationship or for future relationships.
You no longer have to guess at, or agonize over, what decision is best for your future.
You felt confident about your next steps because you’ve developed the necessary clarity.
To Get Started in Online Discernment Counseling, Contact Me Today.
Questions?
FAQs About Discernment Counseling
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If this is your situation, discernment counseling isn’t a good fit because you aren’t discerning anything — you’ve already made up your mind. I would be happy to give you some referrals for professionals who do that work, such as a mediator, family law attorney, or a therapist who specializes in “uncoupling.”
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There is a protocol I offer for this scenario called “hopeful spouse counseling.” The goal is to help you learn from this crisis and find healthy, constructive ways to potentially prevent divorce and restore your marriage, if that is possible. When your spouse sees these positive changes in you, it may motivate them to become more open to discernment counseling or couples therapy.
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Discernment counseling is not couples therapy, It is a precursor to couples therapy. In discernment counseling, you and your spouse are trying to come to a decision together about whether or not to pursue working on your relationship. That doesn’t mean there aren’t breakthroughs or lightbulb moments; however, there is no therapeutic intervention related to the relationship itself.
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Around 10% of couples ultimately end up choosing to keep the status quo after completing discernment counseling. This is perfectly acceptable. Regardless of the reason, taking more time to make a very serious decision is always an option.
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No, because the ultimate goal of discernment counseling isn’t to go to couples therapy. The ultimate goals are to uncover what happened in your marriage to get you here, understand what you each contributed to the dynamic, and decide whether or not the marriage can be saved. Through that process, couples therapy is often decided upon in the end, but not always. While many partners leave discernment counseling with a clear idea of what they need to work on within themselves, they still make the decision to divorce, and instead opt for individual therapy.
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Getting started is easy! Just click here to contact me with any questions or concerns, or to schedule your first discernment counseling session.
emergency MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES IN and around Portland, Oregon
Oregon Health and Sciences University: Mental Health Resources and Community Support
Driving directions to portland, Oregon
From the north, i.e., Vancouver, Washington: Take Interstate 5 (I-5) Southbound, cross into Oregon, and continue on I-5 South, following signs for downtown Portland.
From the south, i.e., Wilsonville, Oregon: Take Interstate 5 (I-5) Northbound towards Portland, following signs for downtown Portland.
From the east, i.e., Gresham, Oregon: Take US-26 (Sunset Highway) Westbound, merge onto I-405 South towards Beaverton/Salem, then take Exit 1D toward Naito Parkway. Continue on SW Naito Parkway and follow signs for downtown Portland.
From the west, i.e., Hillsboro, Oregon: Take US-26 Eastbound, merge onto I-405 South towards Beaverton/Salem, then take Exit 1D toward Naito Parkway. Continue on SW Naito Parkway and follow signs for downtown Portland.
About Portland, OR
Portland, Oregon, nestled in the Pacific Northwest, is renowned for its vibrant culture, arts scene, and natural beauty. Known as the "City of Roses," Portland features the iconic International Rose Test Garden, showcasing over 10,000 rose bushes. It's celebrated for its sustainability initiatives, ranking among the greenest U.S. cities with extensive public transportation options.
Portland is a hub of creativity with diverse neighborhoods like the Pearl District and Hawthorne, each offering unique shops, cafes, and galleries. The city embraces arts and education through institutions like the Portland Art Museum and Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (OMSI).
For more about Portland's sustainable efforts, visit the City of Portland's website. Explore Portland's cultural richness and educational opportunities at Portland State University here.