Decide where your marriage is headed.
Discernment Counseling in Bellevue, Washington
You or your spouse are considering divorce…
…but uncertainty, questions, and what-ifs are holding you back.
When you think back to your wedding day, you never once thought you’d eventually end up at this crossroads: deciding whether or not you’re going to stay married.
Whenever you think of divorce and all that comes with it: explaining it to your children, divvying up your belongings, selling your home, moving out, lawyers and mediators, co-parenting and custody agreements, taxiing your children back and forth to the other parent’s home…the weight of the emotion hits you like a ton of bricks.
But you also know, deep in your bones, that you’re at your wits end. And if you’re brutally honest, the thought of spending thousands of dollars, and months in couples therapy … just to have nothing change … keeps you awake at night.
you know you can’t continue to stay married this way.
You’ve talked to your best friend, your mom, your sister, and your individual therapist. They are all supportive in their own ways, but they’re also (naturally) biased and defensive of either you or your spouse.
You need help from a trained professional who isn't on anyone's side: someone who listens to both of you and understands both views, and who guides you to make the best choice for you and your family.
You’re in the right place.
Discernment counseling is specifically tailored to you and your situation.
Discernment counseling provides an opportunity to pause, reflect, and carefully evaluate the options for your marriage before making a decision.
More information about discernment counseling…
Sound like you?
Only one of you wants to commit to therapy, roll up your sleeves, and get to work on the marriage.
The other isn’t sure if they want to try therapy, or if they are better off moving out, filing for divorce, and moving on.
You don’t want to drag things on for months in couples therapy if, ultimately, the relationship can’t be repaired and saved.
You want a professional’s help and guidance with deciding what to do with the future of your marriage.
make a thoughtful and informed choice.
Discernment Counseling Meets You Where You Are and Helps You Decide
The bottom line is this: successful couples therapy requires an investment of time, emotion, and effort. If one partner is unsure if they want to stay married in the first place, they aren’t in the mindset to carry out that investment to completion.
If this couple goes straight to couples therapy, it tends to be half-hearted because it is not the right mental and emotional process for where the “leaning-out” partner is. The result is usually little progress in therapy, as well as frustration and confusion for all involved.
This is where discernment counseling comes in.
Discernment counseling in Bellevue is a way to help both partners pause before making a final decision, to develop a deeper understanding of how the problems in the marriage evolved, and understand what each person’s contribution to these problems has been.
This helps set up any future couples therapy to be a much more productive and helpful experience.
On the other hand, if divorce is pursued, discernment counseling can help the divorce and coparenting processes to be less hostile and more collaborative.
The goal of discernment counseling is To:
Develop more clarity and confidence about the future direction of your marriage, based on an understanding of what each partner has contributed to the marriage’s breakdown.
How Does Discernment Counseling Work?
Discernment counseling is a brief process: a maximum of 10 hours in total. There are between one and five sessions and the sessions are each two hours long.
The process ends once a decision about the future of your marriage has been made. The decision is one of the following:
Keep the status quo and make no decisions for now.
Separate if you haven’t already and ultimately divorce.
Commit to six months of all-out effort in couples therapy. Divorce goes off the table for that time. Re-evaluate after six months.
During discernment counseling, you and I will spend most of the time meeting individually. This allows each of you to speak freely about your marriage and reflect on your own role in the relationship dynamics.
We won’t be trying to solve the problems in your marriage during this process; therefore, there are no interventions for the problems. You are only trying to determine if the problems are solvable. Don’t expect your marriage to change during this time. We aren’t sure yet if it can be changed!
You’ll each spend about five minutes after your individual session sharing your “takeaways” with your partner. The reason for this is so that each person can explicitly take accountability. Knowing the details of what will be addressed in couples therapy can help the uncertain partner feel more confident that the therapy will be helpful.
Meeting with a discernment counselor instead of separate individual therapists has a big advantage. As your discernment counselor, I get perspectives from both of you, while individual therapists only see one partner's side. With input from just one person, individual therapists are very limited in how helpful their feedback can be.
A discernment counselor is equipped to hear both your and your spouse’s points of view and to give feedback accordingly. You both want to be as informed as possible before deciding on how to move forward in one of the biggest decisions of your life.
I can help you get there.
Discernment Counseling in Bellevue Is a Good Fit If…
There is still a chance — even a small one — of saving this marriage.
You’ve gone to couples therapy in the past and you’re unsure if more couples therapy would help.
You are willing to reflect on your behavior and take accountability for your part of the dynamic.
You want to work with a trained therapist who has both your perspective and your spouse’s perspective so that you’re more able to develop insight.
Discernment Counseling in Bellevue Is Not a Good Fit If…
Deep down, you have already made up your mind to divorce and you are looking for a platform in which to express that.
You aren’t willing to reflect on your own behavior.
One of you is coercing the other to participate.
There is ongoing domestic violence.
You are in a relationship but have never made a lifelong commitment to each other.
What we’ll work on
Imagine If…
You and your spouse could experience more understanding towards each other, regardless of the ultimate decision you make.
You could walk away with more insight into the relationship’s dynamic and, therefore, less blame for your partner.
You no longer have to guess at or agonize over what decision is best for your future.
You felt confident about your next steps because you’ve developed the necessary clarity.
To Get Started in Discernment Counseling in Bellevue, Contact Me Today.
Questions?
FAQs About Discernment Counseling
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If this is your situation, discernment counseling isn’t a good fit because you aren’t discerning anything — you’ve already made up your mind. I would be happy to give you some referrals for professionals who do that work, such as a mediator, family law attorney, or a therapist who specializes in “uncoupling.”
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There is a protocol I offer for this scenario called “hopeful spouse counseling.” The goal is to help you learn from this crisis and find healthy, constructive ways to potentially prevent divorce and restore your marriage, if that is possible. When your spouse sees these positive changes in you, it may motivate them to become more open to discernment counseling or couples therapy.
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Discernment counseling in Bellevue is not couples therapy, It is a precursor to couples therapy. In discernment counseling, you and your spouse are trying to come to a decision together about whether or not to pursue working on your relationship. That doesn’t mean there aren’t breakthroughs or lightbulb moments; however, there is no therapeutic intervention related to the relationship itself.
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Around 10% of couples ultimately end up choosing to keep the status quo after completing discernment counseling. This is perfectly acceptable. Regardless of the reason, taking more time to make a very serious decision is always an option.
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No, because the ultimate goal of discernment counseling isn’t to go to couples therapy. The ultimate goals are to uncover what happened in your marriage to get you here, understand what you each contributed to the dynamic, and decide whether or not the marriage can be saved. Through that process, couples therapy is often decided upon in the end, but not always. While many partners leave discernment counseling with a clear idea of what they need to work on within themselves, they still make the decision to divorce, and instead opt for individual therapy.
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Getting started is easy! Just click here to contact me with any questions or concerns, or to schedule your first discernment counseling session.
Mental Health Resources in Bellevue, WA
Driving Directions to Bellevue, WA
From the North (around Everett, WA area): Start by heading south on I-5 S toward Seattle. Continue on I-5 S for about 30 miles. Use the left lanes to take exit 167 for Mercer St or exit 165B for Denny Way to enter downtown Seattle.
From the South (around Federal Way, WA area): Begin by heading north on I-5 N toward Seattle. Drive for approximately 30 miles, following I-5 N directly into downtown Seattle.
From the East (around Issaquah, WA area): Take I-90 W toward Seattle. Continue on I-90 W for about 30 miles. Use the exit for I-5 N toward Vancouver BC, then merge onto I-5 N and follow signs for downtown Seattle.
From the West (around Kitsap Peninsula): Take the WA-16 E across the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, then follow signs to merge onto I-5 N toward Seattle.
About Bellevue, WA
Bellevue, WA is a city located across Lake Washington from Seattle in King County.
Known as an affluent suburb, Bellevue is home to major companies like Microsoft, T-Mobile, and Expedia.
The city features upscale shopping and dining options at locations like The Bellevue Collection. Attractions in Bellevue include the Bellevue Arts Museum, the Bellevue Botanical Garden, and parks like the Mercer Slough Nature Park.
People are drawn to Bellevue for its highly-rated schools, public safety, and amenities while being close to the outdoor recreation opportunities around Seattle and the Cascade Mountains. The city has seen rapid growth and urbanization in recent decades.