heal and rebuild your marriage into something new.
Therapy for Infidelity
For the couple who is ready to heal from infidelity and rebuild their marriage into something new…
The discovery of your spouse's infidelity has left you reeling. You find yourself looking at your spouse and wondering how they could do this to you.
You’re not sure what went wrong in the relationship, and you question your memory, your reality, or your sanity.
All you know for sure is that you desperately want to heal from the betrayal and move on.
But this is difficult because you’re having a lot of trouble being vulnerable with your spouse after they’ve hurt you and violated your trust so deeply.
Meanwhile, your spouse is struggling to own up to the trauma and pain they’ve caused you without falling into a pit of shame and defensiveness, making productive conversations difficult, if not impossible.
Your natural responses to this situation — either self-protection on your part or avoidance on your spouse’s part — has blocked healing from the affair.
…If this sounds like you, you’re in the right place.
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To the betrayed partner...
— You need complete and full honesty about what happened — without minimizing, justifying, or blame-shifting. You want all your questions answered so that you can make sense of your reality.
— You want to see specific changes in behavior, including transparency and verification, so that you can eventually start to trust again and feel safe.
— You want your spouse to consistently show you empathy and validation: recognition of the pain and trauma this has caused you.
— You desperately want to connect with and trust your spouse again, but at the same time, you’re afraid of vulnerability and potentially being hurt again.
— You also want to know how and why this situation happened. You have thoughts like, “How the f*ck did we get here?”
— You want to know that your spouse is on your team and that you’re both committed to making this work — and you want assurances that if this marriage is to continue, this will never happen again.
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To the betraying partner...
— You know you need to face the pain you caused, and at the same time, you simultaneously need to heal from this experience, too. You need room to address your own trauma, avoidance, and patterns that contributed to the affair.
— You’re balancing the all-consuming shame while also trying to take full responsibility for your actions. You want a path to forgiveness and relief from the shame.
— You have a natural impulse to defend yourself, but you know that your spouse needs you to stay open and vulnerable in order to heal and ultimately reconnect.
— You have always seen yourself as a good person, but now you’re faced with reconciling your view of yourself with the behaviors that have deeply wounded your spouse.
— You want your spouse to understand that while your behavior was inexcusable, it also occurred within a context, and wasn’t about being malicious.
— You need clear guidance on how to rebuild trust with your spouse.
— You want therapy that will address both partner’s needs for change and recovery.
Ultimately, you want to find a way to trust each other again, but it’s really hard to do that on your own.
You want to get back to…
Feeling like you’re on the same page; feeling like a team
Giggling together about silly things like you used to when you first got together
Romantic weekends away — just the two of you
Eventually, when the time is right, rediscovering each other’s bodies and finding joy in intimacy again
The Phases of Infidelity Recovery
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Phase 1: Atone
This phase is all about transparency, radical honesty, and remorse on the part of the betraying partner.
Dr. Gottman says, “The wounded partner will feel the stirrings of new faith only after multiple proofs of trustworthiness. Atonement cannot occur if the cheater insists that the victim take partial blame for the affair.”
The partner who is unfaithful must put an end to the affair and end all contact with the affair partner.
During this phase, the betrayed partner is offered an opportunity during our sessions to ask lingering questions, get clarification on what was and wasn’t true, and gather information they need to be able to eventually trust again.
Some questions commonly asked include: “Are you in love with the other person?”, “Where did you meet them on an ongoing basis?” or, “When you were on that work trip, were they with you?”, etc.
It’s common for these questions to devolve into blame, judgment, and defensiveness. That’s why the heaviest questions will be asked and answered in session so that I can intervene when necessary and facilitate a more productive conversation.
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Phase 2: Attune
This phase is all about treating the problems in your marriage that existed long before the affair, and that made your relationship vulnerable in the first place, so that the risk of future infidelity is mitigated.
This can include, but isn't limited to:
— The foundational friendship between the two of you: how well you really know each other, how you express [or don't express] fondness and appreciation, and how you respond to each other's needs and desires for connection.
— How conflict is handled in your marriage: the way emotional topics are brought up, how well the discussion goes, and whether or not you are able to repair after a painful interaction.
— Perpetual problems - the disagreements you continually fight about and can't seem to come to an agreement or compromise on: in-laws, parenting, household labor, finances, etc.
— Trust: whether or not you believe your partner has your back and acts in your best interest, not just their own.
It's important to understand that the problems we'll talk about in couples counseling did not cause the infidelity.
But, they are still important to heal from and change nonetheless.
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Phase 3: Attach
This phase is all about making sexual intimacy a safe and satisfying experience again.
There is good reason why this phase comes last.
The relationship needs the foundation of what we will do in the first two phases, such as: honesty, transparency, remorse, and a lot of emotional conversation in order for satisfying sex to be possible.
And for the relationship to begin anew.
If a couple is committed to staying together, the attunement that is established in Phase 2 must also reach the bedroom.
This involves talking openly and vulnerably about your sexual desires and needs.
What Should We Expect?
Below is a breakdown of the couples therapy sessions.
Before we start the process of infidelity recovery, I do a thorough and comprehensive assessment on all the couples I work with. This is standard practice done by Gottman trained couples therapists. The assessment phase is comprised of three 90-minute sessions.
Here is what that looks like for you:
Session One: 90 Minutes, Couple Together
I want to know about your relationship’s history. I’ll be asking questions about things such as: how you met, why you chose each other, what dating looked like for you, how you decided to get married, what you remember from your wedding and honeymoon, what the transition to becoming parents was like (if applicable), the happy times, and the stressful times.
These questions are intentional and give me a lot of context and detail for what your dynamic is like currently and how it’s been in the past.
Session Two: 90 Minutes, Each Partner is Seen Individually for 45 Minutes
I want to give you each a chance to talk to me privately about your narrative of the issues in the relationship, as well as your goals for couples therapy.
I will also ask questions about you as an individual person: your mental health, family history, relationship history, substance use, etc.
Please note: secrets are not kept in couples therapy. If the affair hasn’t ended, or if there is contact with the affair partner, etc., I will be making a plan with the betraying partner to tell their spouse during the following session.
In between sessions 2 and 3, I will email both of you a 480-question survey (“Relationship Checkup Survey”) about your relationship.
You both get the same survey, but your answers are kept private and only I am able to see them. Under no circumstances will I ever share your answers with your partner.
The software that scores your survey will give us an overview of the strengths of your relationship, as well as the challenges. This overview will serve as a road map for the couples therapy moving forward.
Session 3: 90 Minutes, Couple Together
During this session we will go over the Relationship Checkup Survey. You will be given information about the strengths and challenges of your relationship based on your answers, and what it will look like during therapy to address the issues. Theory and research are discussed so that you have an understanding for why we’re doing what we’re doing.
Most of the time, the results of the survey are not surprising to the couple. But, it is helpful to talk about where these problems come from and what they look like in practice, not just in theory, as well as what it looks like to change them. It also gives some hope to see your strengths as a couple highlighted.
Session 4 and Beyond
During the subsequent sessions, we will focus on the 3 phases of infidelity counseling (see above). When clients ask how long the overall process takes, I typically say to plan for 1-2 years. That doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll meet every week for that long, but it does typically mean that your relationship is in the healing phase for that amount of time. Of course, this varies by couple and could be longer (ie: if there have been multiple affairs, the level of remorse and honesty, the willingness of each partner to be open and vulnerable, etc).
Insurance and Payment Information
My fee is $400 per 60-minutes. Sessions that are 90-minutes are billed at $600. I am happy to offer a Superbill with a Z-code for you to submit to your insurance company, but not every insurance company reimburses for Z-codes so you need to ask customer service about your specific policy.
I am not in network with any insurance company so I am unable to bill them directly.
This is a good fit if you…
Are committed to your marriage, but aren’t sure how to go about recovering from betrayal.
Are open to feedback and want to change your behavior both in session and at home.
Are interested in the science and research behind what makes relationships go the distance.
Want additional resources for learning like books, blog articles, and podcasts.
This is not a good fit if…
You’re not willing to be completely honest, transparent, and vulnerable.
There is ongoing domestic violence or ongoing infidelity.
One of you is strongly considering divorce. Look at discernment counseling instead.
You are set on divorce and are only looking for mediation or coparenting support.
Contact Me or Schedule
Please use the black “Click HERE to Self-Schedule” widget below to self-schedule.
For questions, please review the dropdown FAQ section below. Your question is likely answered there!
If your question is not listed, reach out using the Contact Form below, and I’ll get back to you within 48-72 hours (but usually much faster!).
I look forward to hearing from you!
FAQs About Therapy Services, Payment, Insurance, Scheduling, Etc.
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I have done my best to include all necessary information on each of my Therapy Service pages so that you are able to make an informed decision without needing to confirm with me first.
If you’ve read through the relevant Therapy Service page and the information doesn’t answer your question, or if you want to double-check that a service is the right fit before scheduling, please use the Contact Form below to reach out to me.
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I’m so glad you’re interested in working together!
Because of my scheduling demands and time zone differences, I stopped offering free consultation calls in August of 2024.
What I’ve done instead is tried my best to include everything you need to know about working with me on my website for you to read — without having to wait to schedule a call.
I am also in the process of adding video content to my Therapy Service pages as an alternative way of consuming the information (and so that you can get a feel for what it’s like to work with me on video!).
Of course, there will always be unique circumstances. If you don’t know which service best fits your situation, or you have a question that isn’t answered on the Therapy Service pages, please feel free to reach out via the Contact Form below.
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Unfortunately, no. I live in Mexico, and therefore ALL of my work is 100% online. I use HIPAA-compliant video software to meet with clients, so we’ll be able to see each other during the session.
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Unfortunately, no. I am not in-network with any insurance company.
(But, I used to be! And occasionally, insurance companies will not update their in-network provider lists after a provider has quit the network. So, you might see my name on your in-network provider list. I can assure you, I have not been in-network with your insurance company since early 2022.)
My reasons for opting-out of insurance include, but are not limited to:
The red tape and endless hassle that comes with working with insurance companies. I swear, it’s worse than the DMV.
The ability to maintain a very small caseload, which allows me to give you a far better experience. I see an average of 10 clients a week. This gives me time to research and learn more about topics that come up in our sessions, seek out my own clinical consultation, and show up with my A-game. To put it bluntly, I’m not a burnt out, tired therapist!
Your privacy as a client — I don’t need to send your sensitive mental health records to a faceless, nameless corporate building somewhere to get authorization to keep meeting with you.
Agency over your own treatment — YOU get to decide when our work together is complete, not your insurance company.
Freedom to conduct therapy that supports my clients in the BEST possible way, instead of conforming to a third party payer’s cookie-cutter expectations.
Practicing what I preach — as your therapist, I will often encourage you to stand up for yourself, set limits with others, and put your oxygen mask on first. Working with insurance companies, unfortunately, would require me to do the opposite of my message. It would require me to sacrifice and compromise what is important to me about being a therapist, providing therapy, and serving my clients. I’m simply unwilling to do that.
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Yes, but I am only able to provide a mental health diagnosis for clients in individual therapy.
A mental health diagnosis is NOT given for clients in couples therapy, discernment counseling, or my women’s divorce group.
Typically, insurance companies require a mental health diagnosis for reimbursement.
I include a Z code. Some insurance plans reimburse Z codes; it just depends on your individual plan.
I highly recommend asking your benefits administrator (for employee plans) or calling the customer service number on the back of your insurance card to inquire about reimbursement eligibility for a Z code.
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My fees are as follows:
Couples therapy: $400 for 60 minutes, $600 for 90 minutes
Discernment counseling: $800 for 2 hours
Women’s divorce group: $800 total for 8 sessions
Individual therapy: $250 for 60 minutes, $375 for 90 minutes
Immigration evaluations: $1,300 flat-fee
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Because I keep my caseload purposely small, I typically have some availability within 1-2 weeks. You are welcome to check my availability by using the “Click Here to Schedule” widget above.
As a general rule, I am available 8am-2pm Pacific Time Monday through Wednesday.
I do not see therapy clients after 2pm Pacific Time, or on Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays, except in unique and rare circumstances (I will sometimes run my divorce group on Sundays, or occasionally I will schedule a couples therapy intensive on a weekend day).
If you need a therapist who is consistently available in the evenings or on the weekends, I am not a good fit for you.
Contact Form
I’d love to support you.
I’m Allyson. I’m a Licensed (Independent) Clinical Social Worker and a Gottman-trained couples therapist (level 3).
I have specialized training in treating affairs and betrayal through the Gottman Institute.
Use the buttons below to learn more about me, ask a question, or schedule your first session.
Questions?
FAQs
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Generally, yes. Couples therapy provides:
A structured, safe environment for communication
Professional guidance on rebuilding trust
Help identifying and treating relationship vulnerabilities
Support for individual growth within the relationship
Assistance in processing betrayal trauma
Research-based skills for conflict resolution and decision-making
Effectiveness depends on both partners' commitment and the therapist's expertise. It's not guaranteed, but many couples find therapy crucial for recovery and relationship strengthening post-infidelity.
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Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are highly effective. The Gottman Method specifically addresses trust rebuilding and attachment injuries.
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Yes, when both partners are committed to the process. Success rates vary, but many couples report improved relationships post-therapy.
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Trauma-focused CBT, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), and Narrative Exposure Therapy can help address trauma symptoms that have resulted from betrayal.
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Yes, therapy can help process emotions, rebuild self-esteem and self-trust, and develop coping skills, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not.
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Low commitment to the relationship is a strong predictor. Other factors include opportunity, personality traits, and relationship dissatisfaction (including sexual).
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Therapy can help a person understand their motivations, develop empathy, and learn healthier relationship skills. However, change ultimately depends on the individual's willingness.
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What are the 3 ways infidelity hurts today?
Emotional trauma and trust issues
Damage to self-esteem and identity
Social and family disruption
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Estimates vary, but approximately 60-75% of couples stay together after infidelity. That being said, the quality of the relationship post-infidelity can vary significantly.
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The betrayed partner may experience symptoms similar to PTSD, including hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, trouble sleeping, nightmares, and emotional ups and downs. The brain's stress response system is often significantly activated.
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For many, the acute pain lessens over time with proper healing and support (including from therapy and from loved ones). Of course, some degree of hurt may persist long-term, depending on the individual and the circumstances.
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Healing timelines vary greatly. On average, it can take 1-2 years for couples to rebuild trust and stabilize their relationship, but individual healing can take longer.
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A therapist with specific training in infidelity recovery, such as those trained in the Gottman Method or EFT, is often best equipped.
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Yes, it's called betrayal trauma. It can lead to PTSD-like symptoms, including hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, and avoidance behaviors.
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Common triggers include calendar dates, locations, or items associated with the affair, intimacy, trust-building exercises, and reminders of the betrayal.
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This depends on the person, but this can include processing emotions, learning to trust yourself again, setting boundaries, and seeking therapy.
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Many people do heal and have healthy relationships afterward. However, the experience often leaves a lasting impact that requires ongoing management.
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Take full responsibility, express genuine remorse, be completely transparent, patiently rebuild trust, and commit to personal growth and relationship work.
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Forgiveness is possible but depends on individual circumstances, the offending partner's actions, their level of remorse, and the betrayed partner's capacity to forgive.
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Responses vary but often include emotional trauma, decreased self-esteem, trust issues, anxiety, depression, and potential physical health impacts from stress.
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Seek support. Allow yourself to grieve, practice self-compassion, engage in self-care, and consider both individual and couples therapy.
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Guilt can diminish over time, especially with genuine efforts to make amends. It is likely that some degree of regret may persist long-term.
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Gottman trained couples therapists use the Atone, Attune, Attach method. Therapists will guide couples through an assessment phase of treatment before completing this process. Therapists trained in the Gottman Method are often trained in affair recovery, but not always.
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