begin healing. rebuild your marriage.
Therapy for Infidelity
For the couple who knows that infidelity is a symptom of long-standing problems…
…And are ready to fix them.
I’m willing to bet that…
The discovery of your spouse's infidelity has left you reeling. You find yourself looking at your spouse and wondering who they are. You can’t imagine them with someone else.
You have a lot of feelings. At any given moment, you’re filled with:
Anger
Hurt
Betrayal
Judgment about their actions
But upon reflection, you’ve realized that — between work responsibilities, caring for your children, and life in general — you and your spouse have both been running on auto-pilot in your marriage, and you've undeniably grown apart.
You can see now that there have been major problems between you two before the infidelity happened (conflict mismanagement, prioritizing work or children over each other, etc.).
You want to work it out, but conversations at home turn into fights full of blame and defensiveness.
…If that’s you, you’re in the right place.
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To the betrayed partner...
You want your spouse to understand and take ownership of the impact their actions have had on you and your entire family. You want them to feel genuinely sorry, but without shutting down, breaking down, or getting defensive.
You want your questions about the affair answered. But even more than that, you want to know how and why this situation happened. You have thoughts like, "What the f*ck happened to our marriage that got us here?"
You want to know that your spouse is on your team, that you’re both committed to making this work, and that your marriage can be saved.
You want to be able to forgive your spouse, but at this point you don’t know how you’ll ever be able to stop holding it against them.
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To the betraying partner...
You want to be forgiven. You want to save your marriage and keep your family together.
It's tearing you up inside because you know your children watch and model your behavior, and you don’t want to damage them or your relationship with them.
You want the space to be able to answer your partner's questions, but without the threat of your partner hearing the answers and deciding they’re done.
You want to make the shame and self-hatred go away.
Ultimately, you want to find a way to trust each other again, but it’s really hard to do that on your own.
Even though you know this will take time, you want therapy for infidelity to help you get back to…
Feeling like you’re on the same page; feeling like a team
Giggling together about silly things like you used to when you first got together
Romantic picnics in the living room, just because you can
Eventually, when the time is right, rediscovering each other’s bodies and finding joy in intimacy again
The Phases of Infidelity Recovery
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Phase 1: Atone
This phase is all about transparency, radical honesty, and remorse on the part of the betraying partner.
Dr. Gottman says, “The wounded partner will feel the stirrings of new faith only after multiple proofs of trustworthiness. Atonement cannot occur if the cheater insists that the victim take partial blame for the affair.”
The partner who is unfaithful must put an end to the affair and end all contact with his or her affair partner.
During this phase, the betrayed partner is offered an opportunity during our sessions to ask lingering questions, get clarification on what was and wasn’t true, and gather information they need to be able to eventually trust again.
Some questions commonly asked include: “Are you in love with the other person?”, “Where did you meet them on an ongoing basis?” or, “When you were on that work trip, were they with you?”, etc.
It’s common for these questions to devolve into blame, contempt, and defensiveness. That’s why the heaviest questions will be asked and answered in session so that I can intervene when necessary and facilitate a more productive conversation.
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Phase 2: Attune
This phase is all about treating the problems in your marriage that existed long before the affair, and that made your relationship vulnerable in the first place, so that the risk of future infidelity is mitigated.
This can include, but isn't limited to:
- The foundational friendship between the two of you: how well you really know each other, how you express [or don't express] fondness and appreciation, and how you respond to each other's needs and desires for connection.
- How conflict is handled in your marriage: the way emotional topics are brought up, how well the discussion goes, and whether or not you are able to repair after a painful interaction.
- Perpetual problems - the disagreements you continually fight about and can't seem to come to an agreement or compromise on: in-laws, parenting, household labor, finances, etc.
- Trust: whether or not you believe your partner has your back and acts in your best interest, not just their own.
It's important to understand that the problems we'll talk about in couples counseling did not cause the infidelity.
But, they are still important to heal from and change nonetheless.
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Phase 3: Attach
This phase is all about making sexual intimacy a safe and satisfying experience again.
There is good reason why this phase comes last.
The relationship needs the foundation of what we will do in the first two phases, such as: honesty, transparency, remorse, and a lot of emotional conversation in order for satisfying sex to be possible and for the relationship to begin again.
If a couple is committed to staying together, the attunement that is established in Phase 2 must also reach the bedroom.
This involves talking openly and vulnerably about your sexual desires and needs.
What Should We Expect?
Below is a breakdown of the couples therapy sessions.
Before we start the process of infidelity recovery, I do a thorough and comprehensive assessment on all the couples I work with. This is standard practice done by Gottman trained couples therapists. The assessment phase is comprised of three 90-minute sessions.
Here is what that looks like for you:
Session One: 90 Minutes, Couple Together
I want to know about your relationship’s history. I’ll be asking questions about things such as: how you met, why you chose each other, what dating looked like for you, how you decided to get married, what you remember from your wedding and honeymoon, what the transition to becoming parents was like (if applicable), the happy times, and the stressful times.
These questions are intentional and give me a lot of context and detail for what your dynamic is like currently and how it’s been in the past.
Session Two: 90 Minutes, Each Partner is Seen Individually for 45 Minutes
I want to give you each a chance to talk to me privately about your narrative of the issues in the relationship, as well as your goals for couples therapy.
I will also ask questions about you as an individual person: your mental health, family history, relationship history, substance use, etc.
Please note: secrets are not kept in couples therapy. If the affair hasn’t ended, or if there is contact with the affair partner, etc., I will be making a plan with the betraying partner to tell their spouse during the following session.
In between sessions 2 and 3, I will email both of you a 480-question survey (“Relationship Checkup Survey”) about your relationship.
You both get the same survey, but your answers are kept private and only I am able to see them. Under no circumstances will I ever share your answers with your partner.
The software that scores your survey will give us an overview of the strengths of your relationship, as well as the challenges. This overview will serve as a road map for the couples therapy moving forward.
Session 3: 90 Minutes, Couple Together
During this session we will go over the Relationship Checkup Survey. You will be given information about the strengths and challenges of your relationship based on your answers, and what it will look like during therapy to address the issues. Theory and research are discussed so that you have an understanding for why we’re doing what we’re doing.
Most of the time, the results of the survey are not surprising to the couple. But, it is helpful to talk about where these problems come from and what they look like in practice, not just in theory, as well as what it looks like to change them. It also gives some hope to see your strengths as a couple highlighted.
Session 4 and Beyond
During the subsequent sessions, we will focus on the 3 phases of infidelity counseling (see above). When clients ask how long the overall process takes, I typically say to plan for 1-2 years. That doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll meet every week for that long, but it does typically mean that your relationship is in the healing phase for that amount of time. Of course, this varies by couple and could be longer (ie: if there have been multiple affairs, the level of remorse and honesty, the willingness of each partner to be open and vulnerable, etc).
This is a good fit if you…
Are committed to your marriage, but aren’t sure how to go about recovering from betrayal.
Are open to feedback and want to change your behavior both in session and at home.
Are interested in the science and research behind what makes relationships go the distance.
Want additional resources for learning like books, blog articles, and podcasts.
This is not a good fit if…
You’re not willing to be completely honest, transparent, and vulnerable.
There is ongoing domestic violence or ongoing infidelity.
One or both of you are strongly considering divorce. Look at discernment counseling instead.
You are set on divorce and are only looking for mediation or coparenting support.
Contact me today to get started in therapy.
I’d love to support you.
I’m Allyson. I’m a Licensed (Independent) Clinical Social Worker and a Gottman-trained couples therapist (level 3).
I have specialized training in treating affairs and betrayal through the Gottman Institute.
Use the buttons below to learn more about me, ask a question, or schedule your first session.
Questions?
FAQs
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Generally, yes. Couples therapy provides:
A structured, safe environment for communication
Professional guidance on rebuilding trust
Help identifying and treating relationship vulnerabilities
Support for individual growth within the relationship
Assistance in processing betrayal trauma
Research-based skills for conflict resolution and decision-making
Effectiveness depends on both partners' commitment and the therapist's expertise. It's not guaranteed, but many couples find therapy crucial for recovery and relationship strengthening post-infidelity.
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Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are highly effective. The Gottman Method specifically addresses trust rebuilding and attachment injuries.
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Yes, when both partners are committed to the process. Success rates vary, but many couples report improved relationships post-therapy.
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Trauma-focused CBT, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), and Narrative Exposure Therapy can help address trauma symptoms that have resulted from betrayal.
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Yes, therapy can help process emotions, rebuild self-esteem and self-trust, and develop coping skills, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not.
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Low commitment to the relationship is a strong predictor. Other factors include opportunity, personality traits, and relationship dissatisfaction (including sexual).
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Therapy can help a person understand their motivations, develop empathy, and learn healthier relationship skills. However, change ultimately depends on the individual's willingness.
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What are the 3 ways infidelity hurts today?
Emotional trauma and trust issues
Damage to self-esteem and identity
Social and family disruption
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Estimates vary, but approximately 60-75% of couples stay together after infidelity. That being said, the quality of the relationship post-infidelity can vary significantly.
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The betrayed partner may experience symptoms similar to PTSD, including hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, trouble sleeping, nightmares, and emotional ups and downs. The brain's stress response system is often significantly activated.
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For many, the acute pain lessens over time with proper healing and support (including from therapy and from loved ones). Of course, some degree of hurt may persist long-term, depending on the individual and the circumstances.
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Healing timelines vary greatly. On average, it can take 1-2 years for couples to rebuild trust and stabilize their relationship, but individual healing can take longer.
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A therapist with specific training in infidelity recovery, such as those trained in the Gottman Method or EFT, is often best equipped.
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Yes, it's called betrayal trauma. It can lead to PTSD-like symptoms, including hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, and avoidance behaviors.
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Common triggers include calendar dates, locations, or items associated with the affair, intimacy, trust-building exercises, and reminders of the betrayal.
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This depends on the person, but this can include processing emotions, learning to trust yourself again, setting boundaries, and seeking therapy.
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Many people do heal and have healthy relationships afterward. However, the experience often leaves a lasting impact that requires ongoing management.
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Take full responsibility, express genuine remorse, be completely transparent, patiently rebuild trust, and commit to personal growth and relationship work.
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Forgiveness is possible but depends on individual circumstances, the offending partner's actions, their level of remorse, and the betrayed partner's capacity to forgive.
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Responses vary but often include emotional trauma, decreased self-esteem, trust issues, anxiety, depression, and potential physical health impacts from stress.
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Seek support. Allow yourself to grieve, practice self-compassion, engage in self-care, and consider both individual and couples therapy.
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Guilt can diminish over time, especially with genuine efforts to make amends. It is likely that some degree of regret may persist long-term.
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Gottman trained couples therapists use the Atone, Attune, Attach method. Therapists will guide couples through an assessment phase of treatment before completing this process. Therapists trained in the Gottman Method are often trained in affair recovery, but not always.
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