All Domestic Violence Is Not Created Equal

What is Domestic Violence?

There are two types of domestic violence assessed for during couples therapy. These are referred to as situational and characterological domestic violence.

The Gottman Institute has conducted several studies on domestic violence. DV is a pattern of behavior that involves the use of power and control by one partner over the other in an intimate relationship. It happens in every culture, country, and society.

Domestic violence can take many forms, including physical, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse. It can have long-lasting consequences on the victim. These include: mental health problems, decreased trust in others, and a diminished sense of well-being.

Situational vs. Characterological Domestic Violence

The first type is “situational domestic violence.” This type of violence is exactly what it sounds like: it happens only in specific situations.

Situational DV occurs when arguments have escalated out of control and the partners are unable to effectively manage conflict. It could be initiated by either partner, it does not leave lasting injuries, and medical attention is not needed. Again, this type of violence does not emerge except in times of serious conflict.

In situational DV, involved parties feel remorse. They take responsibility and try to prevent it from happening again. Situational DV can be treated in couples therapy by decreasing conflict escalation.

The second type is “characterological domestic violence.” It is also exactly what it sounds like: violence that is part of a person’s character or personality. In about 85% of cases, the male partner in a heterosexual relationship is the perpetrator.

Characterological DV is often referred to as battery. There is a clear abuser and a clear victim. It is pervasive and insidious, and does not depend on conflict cycles or styles.

The threat is always there, and nothing the victim does can change it or prevent it. This type of DV involves control, dominance, extreme jealousy, manipulation, and isolation. The violent partner does this to maintain power and control in the relationship. It is highly unlikely to change.

Couples therapy is inappropriate for those experiencing characterological domestic violence.

This is because the danger risk is too high. Think about it: when a couple goes to therapy, it's expected that they will talk about their problems. A violent partner will be angry at the victim for making him look bad, for disagreeing with him, or for questioning him in front of the therapist.

The violent partner will use the content of the therapy sessions to further victimize. The victim’s safety and well-being is always in jeopardy.

The Research on Domestic Violence

Dr. Neil Jacobson is a researcher at the University of Washington. He has made significant contributions to our understanding of domestic violence. He found that abusive partners often have a history of trauma in their childhoods.

These experiences have shaped their sense of self and their view of relationships. They may also have personality disorders which can contribute to their abusive behavior.

Please note: while an abusive partner may have experienced trauma as a child, this is NEVER an excuse for violent, controlling, and manipulative behavior. The ONLY appropriate response to trauma is to get the mental health care that is needed to heal. Abuse is NEVER okay or justified.

The Cycle of Abuse

Dr. Jacobson has also studied the relationship patterns present in domestic violence. He has found that there is a cycle of abuse. The cycle goes like this:

Pit Bulls and Cobras

Drs. John Gottman and Neil Jacobson came to nickname domestic abusers as either “pit bulls” or “cobras.”

According to Dr. Jacobson: "Pit bulls are great guys — until they get into a relationship. O.J. Simpson is a classic pit bull. Pit bulls confine their monstrous behavior to the women they love, acting out of emotional dependence and a fear of abandonment. Pit bulls are the stalkers, the jealous husbands and boyfriends who are charming to everyone except their wives and girlfriends.''

Pit bulls tend to “latch on” to their partners and they don’t let go. Pit bulls will often excessively monitor their partner. They see betrayal everywhere they turn and are enraged by it. When they explode, they usually lose control.

On the other hand, cobras tend to be calmer, colder, more calculated, and emotionally unattached. They are often sociopaths and sometimes display criminal or sadistic behavior.

The violence they display is borne from a need to be in control, the boss, and dominate everyone around them. They are aggressive towards their partners, but unlike the pit bulls, they act that way toward other people in life as well (think: service providers, subordinates in the workplace, family members, etc.).

While cobras don’t lose control like pit bulls, they are more violent and sometimes use weapons such as knives or guns.

In terms of treatment for domestic violence perpetrators, Dr. Daniel Saunders from the University of Michigan School of Social Work said: "We're still trying to find out what works and in what types of men."

So far, the evidence shows that a combination of arrest, prosecution, fines and counseling works better than any one approach alone, he said.

Getting Help

If you believe you’re in a domestic violence situation, please seek outside help immediately. Call 800-799-7233 to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can also text START to 88788.

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